The Light in the Dark

.

Sometimes a darkness sweeps over me and I feel taken under. Submerged I sink, deep into

the muck. Alone, of course, suspended in my woe. A foe is woe that I know... so. I wonder

why I can never seem to be happy. Why I never let myself be happy. To have so much, yet to

be grateful for so little. Yet to be grateful for everything. To be grateful for nothing.

I know that if I work for something I can attain it. Anyone can, in truth. If you truly

seek something, you can have it, the only thing stopping you... is you. Why do I stop

myself? Do I enjoy the pain? Or is it not pain? Things have been worse, much, much worse.

Yet can they ever get better? I mire by, day after day, as those that I love grow older.

As I grow older. My darkness soon to wake, yet I take no action. I allow myself to break.

Or do I simply break, from no action I take? Weak, so to speak. Is it weakness? Or is it

just my humanity that I'm ashamed of? Ashamed to be what I am. To be what I am. I should

feel no shame for loving how I love, yet I do. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I feel

fear to speak the truth of self, of my self. Yet I feel proud at the identical time. Proud

to be different. Proud to be Gay. Proud to be.. me. Yet ashamed. Why? I know why. I want

someone's touch, I want someone to want to touch me. To want to be near me, always.

Perhaps not always, but at least often. No. Always. To have them near, even when I'm far.

I feel lust, which shames me, though I doubt my shame more and more. I have urges, I have.

desire. I want. Yet.. I don't. Always of two minds, two minds of all.



Just musing, seeing where my mind takes me.

this was my journal on deviantart (http://steelcladsorcerer.deviantart.com)



i've been out of medication for the past 2 days and i've really been feeling it. i cant imagine living like this, i mean it's not great fun when i'm medicated, but it isnt like this. all i can ever do is think about dying. lol yes i've been suicidal for a very long time now, luckily lexapro helps me along. i thought i might as well let the people who view my "art" also view me, for what i am. the manic depressive optimist who's nothing bu an atheist begging to be an agnostic, begging for something real and permanent.

we talk about how important freedom of speech is, but what about freedom to live? Freedom to live in a society where all people have the same rights? regardless of race, religion or gender we should all be allowed to live and be happy, and enjoy the same status as the status quo. gay marriage must become legal, force it on the people just like biracial marraige, and anyone who tries to stop it should be pu tin the stocks and beaten for not believing that people should be treated equally, and with some common decency

www.blurty.com/users/lycre to learn more about me! ^^

www.blurty.com/users/lycre

that's my journal!

	

	

	

				
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How compatible with me are YOU?

dont forget, http://www.blurty.com/users/lycre is my main journal ^^

ok, i wrote a snip-it of my novel that i thought turned out well, figured i might as well post it. it's Calian, Rayikia and Talon camping for the night. Just for the record, Cal is a swordsmen, rayikia a rogue/sorceress and talon a sorcerer. that should be enough.

Rayikia smiled slightly as she gazed towards the milky twilight. Her green orbs filled with mysticism searching each burning light, “Where are you, Orion..?” She cupped her fiery hair behind her slightly pointed ears absently, “Ah, there you are. It’s been months since I’ve seen you.”
Calian who had been lackadaisically polishing his blade looked up for a moment, “Orion?” he said quizzically. “What is that?”
She smirked at him for a moment before turning back around. She pointed toward the sky, “You see those stars there?”
“There are stars everywhere, Rayikia, it’s night time.”
“Don’t be dense. Those there,” she stretched her arms in a futile attempt reveal what she saw.
“I don’t see it. What is Orion?”
Talon, who had been sitting next to Calian interjected, “It’s a cluster of stars that somewhat resemble a man.”
Rayikia nodded slightly, “Yep, you have to use your imagination.”
“Why is it so important to you?” said Calian.
“It’s been there all my life, 'cept for when it goes away and I can’t find it. But Orion always returns… to watch over me.”
“Goes away?”
“She is referring to the revolution of Intihar around the sun,” Talon stated. “While the constellation Orion appears to vanish, it in fact if just not visible at that time from this part of the world. Simple Astrology.”
“You take all the magic out of life, Talon,” Rayikia said gruffly.
“Ah, the price of my genius…” he said with a wry smile.
She laughed, then returned her gaze to the horizon.
“My father… used to tell me stories of all the great heroes imbuned into the night sky. That many great men, upon their death, so greatly impacted the world with their selflessness that the sky reflects their image, to honor their sacrifice.” She paused for a moment. “I think he’s up there somewhere, but… I’ve never bee able to find him you know? There are so many stars… I miss him so much.”
Rayikia stood up, sighing softly. “I’m gonna head to bed, see you guys in the morning.”
Cal looked up to her, “Are you ok?”
“Fine, fine.” She smiled, “Don’t stay up too late you two.”






give me praise! heh

--Random Personal Crap:

1. Name? Michael
2. Age? 18
3. Height? 5'10/11
4. Hair? Dark Brown
5. Eyes? Dark Brown
6. Facial hair? Not really, some scruff sure.
7. Isn't this the most boring and pointless section of all quizzes? I eat babies in the night.

--School stuff, Rad division:

8. In school? Next year, startin college (out of HS atm)
9. If so, where? Jesus-y State U... lol Not sure yet, thinkin about it.
10. Party a lot? Nope
11. Get drunk? Nope
12. Ever been involved in any pranks? Lots of fun ones, sure
13. Ever involved in any sports? I was on the Basketball team back in the 5th Grade in Catholic School but I was kicked off before the first game because I wasnt good : ) Great way to get a kid involved in sports.
14. Frat? Not in college yet, but i doubt i'd join one.
15. Want better questions? I eat babies good.

--Girls, Girls, Girls!!!

16. Got one? Nopers
17. If yes, is she hot? If not, do you want one? Sure, add her to my harem.
18. Is it love, or lust? I like monkies (doesnt apply to me, i'm sad and alone)
19. Do you think it's weird for a guy to think about love? Nope, I've been in love myself.
20. Looks or personality? Personality is key, but you've gotta be able to at least imagine kissing the person without wanting to retch.
21. Keeping in mind that you're a guy, and you notice these things whether you admit it or not... T or A? lol T I suppose... I'm a sucker for a slim chest.
22. Is it better to come out and tell a girl you have a crush on that you like her, or to try to give her signals so that she finds out, or to suffer in silence? I'm always blunt about my crushes, sometimes painfully so, but it always works out!
23. Do you understand girls? I might as well be one, lol.
24. Do girls understand you? No one does, me crazy.
25. What do you think of pr0n? *stands in front of his 100 megabyte archive. Disgusting! hehe

--(mostly) Guy things.

26. Favorite sport? BATTLE CHESS!!!!
27. Favorite team? Corn Huskers for CKo, and Redskins.
28. Gamer? I'm an extreme RPGer... lol and an avid EQ player
29. Favorite games? FF series, then BoF series, then Lufia, I'll stop there. Of course EQ is god, though I am disenchanted with it atm.
30. Favorite movies? LoTR, Harry Potters... hehe, Death Becomes Her, Awakenings.
31. Favorite foods? Italian and Chinese
32. Favorite TV shows? So many... non-anime: Golden Girls, Seinfeld, Conan O'Brian, Simpsons, (in no order btw), Iron Chef, Buffy, Xena, Daily Show.
33. Favorite anime? in order: Slayers, Fushigi Yuugi, Nadesico, Neon Genesis, Yu Yu and many others...
34. Favorite bands/artists? I like a lot of folks, mainly pop/jpop, country, techno, and classic rock as well as classical.
35. Favorite sites? 8-Bit Theater, MINE, cko's... and so on. www.ratemenude.com LOL j/k

--The Home Stretch
36. We're almost done. YES hehe
37. I want you to add any questions you want to this survey at the end. Isn't that great? I like babies...
38. Is The Cheat one fine-looking young man? I have no idea what youre talking about
39. One more after this! Excited? yay (zelgadiss style)
40. Last one! What do you think of the person you got this from? Fun guy, great writer.. hmmm.. better at FF trivia than me, the bastard.

Mike

Eccentric to the nth degree, with an addictive
personality. Always out to make the next big
prodct and make a sale!


What cast member of Our Lives are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

WOOT!

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

MWA HAHAHAHA!

I have found I fear many things. An end to life, would be the most paramount. An end to all things, a darkness, no more pain, no more fear even. Just nothingness, just an end. just a fucking end. I should pick up my head an accept it, but i'm having trouble doing it. It's the ultimate thing i have absolutely no power over. none. i am nothing in it's scope. nothing. just another thing to die, fodder and the fallen, or rather the soon to be.

lol i need to find me a man : )


talked to aviv today which was neat. talked to cko for a goodly bit, it was great to talk to her all day yesterday.

sometimes i think i let things get to me too much. maybe i should just be happy, even if i only have 70 years (maxish) to live, untill i rot into nothingness. I'm actually a very upbeat guy, but man can the ulimate things of life get me down. is that wrong?

i feel so damn powerless... where is that white knight... lol just another fairy tale, just like GOD just like fucking god. Such a horrible little lie... Be happy! how can I?

I need a change, why cant i make it?

//series one - about you
---> Name: M-mo or Lycre
---> Birth date: June 19,1984
---> Birthplace: Fairfax, Virginia
---> Current Location: Boulder, Colorado
---> Eye Color: Dark Brown
---> Hair Color: Dark Brown
---> Right or Lefty: Righty, the left hand is the devil's hand...
---> Zodiac Sign: Gemini/Rat
---> Innie or Outtie: Innie, outties give me nightmares


// series two - describe
---> Your heritage: My father, all people born before him on his side were born in Italy (Sicily namely, cept he, himself, was born in Naples).
---> The shoes you wore today: My purple vans
---> Your hair: Normally short and pretty, but right now it's growing out long because I'm curious as to what it might look like
---> Your eyes: Deep and forboding
---> Your weakness? Power, MWA HAHAHAHAHA! All things EQ and fun stuff!
---> Your fears: why death of course, silly bunny!
---> Your perfect pizza: Extra cheese! BOO YAH!
---> One thing you'd like to achieve: God status would be handy-dandy.

// series three - what is
---> Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: "hehe" or "lol"
---> Your thoughts first waking up: Oh God I have to goto work today... sick.
---> The first feature you notice in the opposite (or same) sex: General face, I suppose eyes.
---> Your best physical features: my pretty mug. Actually I am fond of my legs.
---> Your bedtime: About 2 am or so, but when I goto school probably more like 10.
---> Your greatest accomplishment: The glory that is Catwing Web
---> Your best memory: Anything with my CKo.

// series five - do you
---> Smoke: My dorment Asthma would not agree with it.
---> Cuss: Only when applicaple or fun.
---> Sing well: I dont want to talk about it.
---> Take a shower everyday: Normally, sometimes even twice.
---> Want to go to college: Very much so.
---> Like high school: I loved the first two years of it.
---> Want to get married: Yeah one day.
---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: All I know is i'm fast and I dont have to look at the keyboard normally.
---> Believe in yourself: BOO YAH! hehe yeah I suppose.
---> Get motion sickness: Sometimes, when in a car and reading.
---> Think you're attractive: Sometimes
---> Think you're a health freak: "I know I'm NOT" (cko's response suits me well)
---> Get along with your parents: If you mean no communication, then I suppose so.
---> Like thunderstorms: I love them, unless I'm alone in my house, then i get nervous.
---> Play an instrument: I want to learn to play the piano and violin

// series six - in the past month, did/have you
---> Drank alcohol: A very slight amount
---> Smoke(d): Yes, once or twice
---> Done a drug: No
---> Made Out: Yes, a few times.
---> Go on a date: Yeah
---> Go to the mall?: Lots o' times
---> Been on stage: I dont think so
---> Been dumped: Nah
---> Gone skating: Nope
---> Made homemade cookies: Yessir
---> Been in love: Just those same ol' feelings.
---> Gone skinny dipping: Nope
---> Dyed your hair: Yes
---> Stolen anything: I dont consider it such, they were just altoids!! that I neglected to pay for... ah who cares.

// series seven - have you ever?
---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: "Damn I'm missing out!" (Cko's response)
---> If so, was it mixed company: Curious
---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Nope
---> Been caught "doing something": Thankfully no
---> Been called a tease: Not in so many words.
---> Gotten beaten up: Nopers
---> Shoplifted: Not really.
---> If so, did you get caught: ---
---> Changed who you were to fit in: Nopers, I do omit some of the more colourful sides of my personality at times though.

// series eight - the future
---> Age you hope to be married: Yeah, one day
---> Numbers and Names of Children: 1; Cairhien/Elydra
---> Describe your Dream Wedding: Bloody knives, statues of Lord Satan, you know, the whole shabang... lol
---> What age do you want to die: I plan on never dying, so far it's worked out.
---> What do you want to be when you grow up: Writer
---> What country would you most like to visit: Japan
---> Current Clothes: Red/Brown/Black sweater, blue jeans and my piggie underwear.
---> Current Mood: Very VERY sick and dreading work.
---> Current Taste: mucus.
---> Current Hair: Bedhair
---> Current Annoyance: John and his stupid ass rules.
---> Current Smell: mucus.
---> Current thing you ought to be doing: Getting ready for work.
---> Current Desktop Picture: This nifty "Wired" one Cko made.
---> Current Favorite Groups: Oh who the hell knows. Utada is cool. I just started getting into "Mercy Me."
---> Current Book: Castle of Wizardry
---> Current DVD/VHS In Player: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
---> Current Worry: Not having enough money to goto school.
---> Current Crush: Oh all the old favourites.

as per our agreement, i must post for tonight : )

I like bunnies!

on a lighter note... as previously said in an entry...

may our man fucking made god save us... let's save ourselves folks. Learn to love, for the sake of all those who have died defending our fucking freedom. learn to fucking love.

* Date: Jan 14, 2003
* Time: 1:10 AM
* Name On Birth Certificate: Michael Thomas
* Age: 18
* Birthday: June 19
* School: Front Range
* E-mail: MTRando@hotmail.com
* Eyes: Dark Brown
* Hair: Dark Brown
* Height: 5'10
* Shoe Size: 11
* Who lives with you: Family
* When is your bedtime? 2 a.m. ish (i can agree with that cko!)

------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
* Flown on a plane: many times
* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: nope
* Missed school because it was raining: nope
* Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: LOTS hehe
* Put a body part on fire for amusement: 0.0 "fire SCARES me, it scares me BAD"
* Had a crush on a friends girlfriend/boyfriend: yep
* Been hurt emotionally: Oh yeah
* Kept a secret from everyone: Yes indeed : D Big scarey ones
* Had an imaginary friend: The added voice in my head
* wanted to hook up with a friend: Hmm, not any of my close friends
* Cried during a Movie?: Almost a few times
* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: oh yeah, "yum yum gimmie some"
* Been on stage: Yes
* Cut your hair: about a month or so ago, trying to get it longer
* Had crush on a teacher? nope
-----------------FAVORITES------------------
* Shampoo: Cucumber Melon Suave!
* Fav Color: White, blue and red
* Day/Night: Night
* Summer/Winter: Summer
* Lace or Satin: eh... satin i suppose
* Fave Cartoon Character: Zealous Xelloss, the Mysterious Priest
* Fave Food: Kung Pao Chicken and Mafalda, they tie
* Fave Advertisement: the new progressive commerical with the gnome
* Fave Movies: death becomes her, LOTR, Harry Potter : )
* Fave Drink: Coca-Cola
* Person to talk to online: Cko, Lmo
* Fave sport: chess of course, fool
* Fave Car: I want a BMW convertible, M4 or whatever
* Fave sports stars: me! : D

-----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
* Wearing: Button up shortsleeve from work last um... sunday : D, clean underwear thank God and blue jeans (plus shoes and socks, also clean).
* Eating: the interior of my cheeks
* Drinking: Nothing, just had a coke though
* Thinkin bout: possible relationships and going to school on monday
* Listening to: The Man Show on Comedy Central and Mercy Me on my CD Player.

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
* Cried: Nope, 48 hours yes
* Worn jeans: am atm
* Met someone New online: indeed
* Done laundry: Noooo... I just wear an outfit then BURN IT! BWAHAHA! (cko's response but i like it)
* Drove a car: Nope
* Talked on the phone? Yep

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
* Yourself: I'm semi convinced of my unyeilding might and unfailing intellect.
* Your friends: Sure
* Santa Claus: That bastard shall not escape me for much longer. he shall pay in blood.
* Tooth Fairy: Nah
* Destiny/Fate: Somewhat
* Angels: I'd like to, so kinda
* Ghosts: God I hope they're real : )
* UFO's: Of course, how could you not? Maybe not Ufo's here
* God: Yeah, most of the time

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
* Do you ever wish you had another name? Yes
* Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? I have no idea to be honest
* Do you like anyone? Yes, lots of folk
* Which one of your friends acts the most like you? Cko in nearly every way, save for her dirty tattered red flag of republicanism.
* Who have you known the longest of your friends: Cko, the best person evah!
* Who's the loudest: Elisa, maybe Sonia... me, Sonia and Elisa together? (i like cko's response)
* Who's the shyest: ME! no actually cko is most definitly the shiest
* Are you close to any family members? Sometimes it doesnt feel like it...
* Who's the weirdest? ME FOR SURE! you best be trippin, cko hehe
* Who do you go to for stuff? "Stuff"... umm... "Stores" ( i like her response)
* Who do you hang around the most? My extra voices. actually lately craig and lmo
* When have you cried the most: Sophomore year. (cko's response but most definitly mine too)
* What's the best feeling in the world: being loved back the same that i am giving
* Worst Feeling: Rejection (absolutely) or being lied to
* What time is it now? 1:23 AM

Finish each sentence:

Let's walk in the: heavens
Let's run through: trees
Let's look at the: truth
Who are those: people
What a nice: potato
Where did all these: whores come from?
When will they: learn (seriously)
How are: doing?
Why can't you: love me, Michael(not speaking to myself)?
So where did you: kill that hobo?
Sing the: national anythem, now bitch!
Easier than: said
Closer than: me
Look at my: life
I'll stay if: you want me
Silly, little: bitch
Show me some: love
The sky is: beloved
Tell me a: story
Love me: like i love you
Grab the: potato
I hate your stupid: lies
My mom thinks your(e): a filthy whore, you monkey witha side of beef!
He's not: mine
Are you that: stupid?
I missed: so damn much, cko.
Can't you: accept me, world?
Lovely little: god